Posted tagged ‘50 Cent’

Kobe and Shaq Are The Worst Rappers of the Decade

March 8, 2009
Rap battle?

Rap battle?

That Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant should share this honor is fitting. Shaq and Kobe were an indomitable force on the basketball court, playing for the Los Angeles Lakers. You might say they made sweet, Championship music on the basketball court. Off the court, though, their music was less than pleasing. In fact, their output was so bad, that Kobe and Shaq just may be the Worst Rappers of the Decade.

Shaq, first. At some point, Shaquille O’Neal must have heard someone call him an Everyman and decided that an everyman was a man who did everything. When he burst on the scene in the early nineties, he made it known that he would be more than the guy who shattered backboards for a living. He would be a movie star and a rap star… who rapped about shattering backboards for a living. What’s funny is that people actually gave him movies to star in, which should make you question the very fundamentals of Hollywood’s power structure. Anyone who has ever seen Shaq in an interview knows that 1) he’s charismatic 2)he’s articulate and 3)he drones monotonously. It doesn’t matter how many “a’s” you put in it or how many exclamation points you put after it, “Kazaam!” is going to come out, “kazam

As I mentioned, Shaq also tried his hand at rap throughout the 90’s. Despite having the lyrical prowess of an insurance salesman singing karaoke, Shaq managed to send two albums past the platinum mark. In doing so, Shaq Diesel would create the template for the basketball-playing rapper. 1) Make sure to mention basketball as much as possible and 2) bring your fancy friends along to grant you the cred that you lack from your non-involvement in street gangs and/or crime. Shaq has released a ton of singles that you probably don’t remember. In fact, I’d wager that his most memorable appearance was on a song that wasn’t his: What’s Up Doc (Can We Rock?). That song met both rules. Shaq rapped along side the Fu Schnickens and made sure to make reference to his basketball career.

It’s not that Shaq was horrible–he wasn’t. He was mediocre, but Shaq put out enough material in the nineties that he was able to release a greatest hits album! He did all that in the nineties, the result of the irrational exuberance and fiscal irresponsibility that led to the dot-com crash and our current economic stagnation. His last album, Shaquille O’Neal Presents His Superfriends, was slated to be released on September 11th, 2001, but Osama Bin Laden got it pushed back (and eventually shelved) in an uncharacteristic show of mercy. Let us leave Shaq, there, for now.

Fresh out of high school, Kobe Bryant grew up in Shaq’s considerable shadow on the Lakers. One thing he must have learned from Shaq is that it’s not enough to make people drool with your superhuman feats of physicality. No, you must also make them cringe with your inhumane feats of musicality. Kobe did just that with the release of K.O.B.E. ft. Tyra Banks (yes, Tyra Banks) in 2001.

Uh, what I live for? Basketball, beats and broads

From Italy to the US, yes, it’s raw

I’ma search for the one that make my wealth feel poor

Who can ignore the spotlight like my Grandma

I guess it’s honest, but it’s also artless, and Kobe’s delivery is more wooden than baseball player making a cameo in a movie in the fifties. Actually, it’s more wooden than the bat held by the baseball player making a cameo in the fifties. You should note that Kobe has fulfilled both requirements necessary for basketball rapper songs: fancy friends and basketball references.

Take Will Smith, subtract twenty years of rapping and making hits, throw away the charisma the Fresh Prince has always exuded through your speakers, and add four to five strained basketball metaphors, and you have Kobe Bryant, who actually managed to squeeze out a couple other songs. One is “Thug Poet,” which features 50 Cent, years before Wanksta, and opens with “my microphone is my glock nine” (and you handle them both so well, Kobe!). He also managed to get himself featured on other people’s songs, including a remix to “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child.

Basically, Kobe spent much of 2001 sucking the charm out of hip hop. For every breath Jay-Z and Missy Elliott breathed into hip hop that year, Kobe’s well-conditioned lungs sucked an equal amount back out. To his credit, he put the microphone down and hasn’t yet picked it up again. He’s a looming threat, but not a clear and present danger.

Shaq, however, has picked up the microphone again. No one in his life is brave enough to tell him that there are some things that are better left hidden in your den, performed in the middle of the night, when Jack Daniels is the only person in the audience. Instead, last year, Shaq grabbed the mic and aimed a freestyle at former teammate, Kobe Bryant.

“Kobe, tell me how my ass taste?” This is probably the most ambiguous diss ever levelled in rap. First off, is this a request for information or a command? A little further…

Check it you know how I be.

Last week Kobe couldn’t do it without me.

I’m a horse…Kobe ratted me out..thats why I am getting a divorce.

He said Shaq gave a bitch a mill…I don’t do that…cause my name’s Shaquille

Freestyling is about being able to be clever, quickly. This fails in both regards, reminding us that basketball players should never rap. Thankfully, Kobe didn’t respond. That freestyle alone was worth being nominated worst rapper.

Shaquille O’Neal created the mold of that basketball/rapper that many would copy. His success encouraged far too many basketball players to waste studio time that might otherwise have been used to record a new Fugees album. Kobe Bryant took the baton from Shaq and ran straight into a brick wall. Shaq created the opportunity that Kobe capitalized upon to show America and the World that basketball and rap only work well together when hip hop is the background music underlying basketball action. Shaq, for the quantity of his mediocrity, and Kobe, for the depth of his suckage, are the worst rappers of the decade.

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Rick Ross is the Worst Rapper of the Decade

March 3, 2009

Rick Ross is a Florida-based rapper whose major claim to fame is his ability to extend his name five seconds beyond its normal duration. “Raaaaaaaawwwwwssss.”  It has recently come to our attention that Rick Ross may be the Worst Rapper of the Decade. To support that case, we present an article published last year, recently unearthed by Worst Rapper:

Akon and Rick Ross to Collaborate on Backstory

Acclaimed hard core rapper and “prevariKator” Akon announced today his intention to collaborate with fellow rapper and recently exposed fabulist Rick Ross, on “an entirely new, and completely convincing backstory”.

Both rappers recently suffered public relations setbacks when their elaborate and oft-cited criminal histories were shown to be at least in part “completely made up and shit”.

Earlier this year, online secrets repository The Smoking Gun (www.thesmokinggun.com) posted evidence that despite frequent assertions to the contrary, Akon, among whose albums is the 2006 hit “Konvicted”, has not spent a considerable amount of time in prison. However, inside sources do indicate that he has visited numerous prisons via Google Streetz View. Similar problems have only recently derailed Rick Ross fast rising rap career. Ross, who frequently claims to have made his first fortune “slinging weight,” appears to have been employed at least part time as a guard in a Federal prison. Ross’ latest album “Trilla,” a recent chart topper is, according to the rotund law enforcer, a combination of True and Real. Ross was unavailable for comment at press time, but in the wake of allegations that his backstory is neither, Ross’s publicist is defending the title as “Fronic”, or “Funny and Ironic”.

According to sources within music industry, representatives for the artists have contacted noted backstory embellisher and Hip Hop impresario Dr. Dre, and Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to assist them in the development of a new backstory that is “hard core, disturbing, and almost completely verifiable.” Record industry observers speculate that if Dre and Whedon agree to collaborate, this new backstory could “be plausible”, and possibly hit the streets as early as September, in time for the VMA’s.

In a press release, Akon elaborated on his desire to work with the troubled corrections officer.

“Sometimes, it feels like a man is being Konvicted without a fair trial in a Kourt of Law. That’s why worKing with someone who has close up Knowldge of the justice system is integral to the suKcess of this projeKt. Personally, I Kan understand why AmeriKa might feel inKlined to judge us by our KontradiKtions, but I ask them to resist drawing a KonKlusion, and wait to see what the final produKt will look liKe.”
In an interview given almost hours after evidence of his law enforcement past surfaced, Ross seemed to indicate the direction this project might take. “Personally, biography embellishment is played out. It’s time to do something totally hard core, without any basis in fact whatsoever. On the real, I’d love to work with a visonary like Akon.” Added Ross, “We goin’ straight make up. No Homo.”

Related Stories:

* Akon denies first album purchased with own money “Tiny Dancer”
* Rick Ross admits to taking day off from hustlin’
* Mr. Rogers denies link between Akon and Land of Make Believe

Additional reporting by Ross Lincoln and Earnest Pettie

Being undermined by a fabricated backstory is so 1991. In fact, Vanilla Ice just called up Rick Ross and Akon to ask for royalties to be paid on that particular method of being played out. Furthermore, Rick Ross is currently engaged in a war of words with 50 Cent. That’s the equivalent of Japan taking on Bermuda in a battle for military supremacy. That Rick Ross is battling the G Unit… and losing… is reason enough for us to declare him the Worst Rapper of the Decade.

50 Cent Is The Worst Rapper Of The Decade

December 15, 2008

50-cent-50-cent-gun-10763682One fine morning, your humble narrator was sitting in a cubicle, minding his own business, listening to music that objectively did not suck, when he was interrupted by an office-casual clad bulging white guy in an oxford shirt and a Yankees cap, who strolled by, whistling the unmistakable “Du-dou click, click-a-click-click, du-di, du-dow, du-dou” melody of the best arrangement in Mainstream hip hop this decade, the insanely catchy tune to 50 Cent’s debut single “In Da Club”.

Just the melody though. No lyrics.

I can hear what you’re saying. “Surely Ross,” you think, “surely that’s due to the controversial content of the song. One cannot simply wander through a corporate hallway singing blatant profanity and expect to keep one’s job.”

Okay, I grant you that. It’s probably 50% the profanity. But the other 50%?

“And you should love it, way more then you hate it
nigga you mad? I thought that you’d be happy I made it
I’m that cat by the bar toasting to the good life u that faggot ass nigga
trying to pull me back right?”

Yes, that is objectively offensive. It somehow manages to use not 1 but 2 forbidden slurs in a single sentence. But it’s worse than that. After all, Tupac, who filled his songs with some of the most odious slurs imaginable, was an inarguable genius, at least until he returned as a zombie. (see previous post.) What makes it truly terrible is that it’s the weakest, most inane laziness to be hailed as groundbreaking art since Kevin Costner won the Best Director Oscar.

It’s the prefect picture of everything wrong with rap since 1999 – most of us are buried under a mountain of student loan debt, work horrible jobs that pay jack shit and have vacation plans that consist of actually getting enough sleep so you can think about maybe having sex again. Quoting some jackass bragging about being loaded and laid? It takes a special kind of idiot to think that’s cool. The kind of idiot who votes twice for George W. Bush.

But hell, LL Kool J and Nas like to rap about their material success, and they’re awesome. So what makes it so bad? Read again – there’s nothing in there that’s quotable. Nothing.

“But wait,” you say, “you’re pruning! There’re quotable lyrics in that song!”. And you’re right. And here they are:

“Go, go, go shawty
It’s your birthday
We gon’ party like it’s yo birthday
We gon’ sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday”

Oooooh, it’s catchy, right? And everyone picked it up, right? So Fracking What – 50 Cent Did Not Write That Lyric. It’s old enough that it probably appears in Shakespeare. Hell, it appeared in John Hughes movies. 50 finally got his shot and for his amazing debut single, he mines the greatest hits of white teenagers from the suburbs? How the hell is that gangsta?

Speaking of Gangsta, that brings us to problem number 2: 50’s rep. See, 50 made a name for himself talking shit on anyone even remotely more well known than he was, including, allegedly, some well connected drug dealers who didn’t take kindly to being rapped about so shittily and derivatively on some crappy mix tape. So someone shot him 9 times and, I assume, because he resembles Officer Nordberg from the Naked Gun movies, he miraculously survived. The he cut some more mix tapes bragging about how he’s apparently bulletproof, only instead of getting killed for it, the rest of America was collectively punished with 50 getting a record deal from Dr. Dre and Eminem.

Sounds an awful lot like another famous rapper, doesn’t it?

But it gets even worse, because adding to the fact that 50 is a terrible rapper, with derivative lyrics only matched by his derivative back story, he’s also a one-trick pony.

Exhibit A? Magic Stick:

Ah yes, an ode to 50’s ability to maintain his erection after multiple sexual encounters without going flaccid or succuming to scar-tissue build up that suppresses pleasure, while Lil’ Kim brags about her vaginal canal’s ability with bounce back from friction burns. How sexy. But there was trouble in paradise. See, originally, Magic Stick was supposed to appear on Get Rich Or Die Tryin’. But then the powers that be put it on Lil’ Kim’s La Bella Mafia instead. Then, 50 and Kim had a serious falling out over, I assume, whose genitalia was more corroded and scarred from years of abuse. So no video was shot, and when the song blew up giving Lil’ Kim a much needed hit, 50 was prevented from capitalizing on it, aside from the royalties of course.

What’s a gangster to do?

Oh, wait, hang on a bit:

Yep. 50 remade Magic Stick, only even lamer, and with an even less memorable woman singing along with him. And this time, instead of bragging about how well his penis can withstand strenuous activity, he’s just bragging about his ability to have an orgasm while having sexual relations with a prostitute. If that’s all it takes to write a hit song, I assume Elliott Spitzer will be appearing on 50’s next single “Impeachin’ That A$$ (High Cla$$ Hookerz!)“.

I’m not even going to touch his terrible remake of 8 Mile.

Ultimately, it turns out that “50 Cent” isn’t a reference to his get rich or die tryin’ ethos, it’s a reciept for the cost of the bargain basement rhyming dictionary he apparently purchases once a year, just before releasing another 12-songs-too-long ode to his bullet holes, having unprotected sex, and not being a faggot. Face it – there’s a lot of terrible hip hop this decade, but the worst of the worst is Curtis Jackson. Hang up the mike already.